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The curious case of literary lunacy
Voice it: Why aren't we getting it right?
The mistakes about which I am about to write are mistakes made by everybody, including me. Even so, I feel obligated to comment upon the silly grammatical errors, made day to day; errors that would bemuse the father of our post-Norman tongue, the great Dr Samuel Johnson.
The first one that comes to mind is used when one makes an apology. “I sincerely apologize” is regularly said with sullen brow and a handlebar shaped mouth. Surely my dear friends, if one is saying sorry in the first place, they are being sincere, no? We presume that all apologies, written or oral, are sincere. Therefore, why must the three worded phrase “I sincerely apologize”, remind us again of one’s already present sincerity? An insincere apology is not an apology. But if a true apology is made, why must its truth, its authenticity be reinforced by ‘sincerely’? The sincerity or insincerity of one’s apology should be judged by the receiver of the apology, not the executioner. I can only hope that in the Phraseology dictionary, you will see the silly phrase written as “I sincerely sincerely apologize”; because that’s as it’s seen. It’s simple logic.
Just like the insertion of sincerity in an apology has become a habit, so too have the phrases “In my opinion” and “In my view” become silly habits. You may question why I disregard what many believe to be a necessity. When one uses these almost identical phrases, the cynical interruption or reply, comes to my mind, is “Of course it’s your view/opinion, why must you remind me?” This cynical interruption (and you know how cynical I am) may make one think “Oh I say ‘in my opinion’ because I don’t wish to sound arrogant.” Well arrogance is a virtue, so there’s nothing wrong with that. Or it may make them think “Well I have this opinion, because I was inspired by someone else. Then surely it’s not mine.” Well if this opinion you possess, is not just yours; then the opinion is obviously shared. But that does not mean that the phrase “In my opinion” fits, because the pronouns ‘I’ and ‘My’ usually insinuate that the ‘opinion’ is uniquely yours, and is not shared, when it may be shared. A sentence beginning with the phrase is all the more worse, because it’s the brain saying “Back in five mins” and deciding to no longer intervene in its body’s socializing.
When one wishes to urinate or to put it colloquially, ‘take a slash’; one regularly tells those present (only people he/she knows, I hope!) that he/she is going to the bathroom. This recent Americanism is even said when there is no bath even in the same radius, as the WC to which they are headed. I obviously understand the usage of the phrase, if there is a bath in the same room as the toilet. But even though I understand one’s usage of the phrase, it makes this columnist imagine that the person going to the loo is bursting from the stomach and kidneys, and thus needs to urgently empty his lower organs; all of this assisted by an Enema and laxatives. Why would anyone choose to go to a bathroom rather than a lone toilet; when he/she has the intention of simply emptying his or her bowels? Maybe they simply want a bigger area to pollute, with their post-emptying quiff.
So remember, in future say “I need to use the toilet.” You should only say “I need to use the bathroom”, when the time comes for you to take your annual bath or monthly shower.
I also feel obliged to comment upon ones laziness with their spelling and grammar, when communicating via the web, or sending SMS messages. This annoys the hell out of me, as it doesn’t take that much longer to spell words correctly. Also, it looks better than shortening them down and bastardising them, as is so regularly done. Sometimes when slang, shortened phrases and purpose misspellings are used, it’s beyond comprehension; “I tink”, “I cnt believ tat” and “wats rong wit u?” but to name a few.
This particularly pedantic column is not meant as an addition to my already boyish charm; or even to yours for that matter. No, think of this column as a guideline, or as a suggestion for self-improvement. I hope it will help you, but it may not make you laugh, as was intended. I only realised the absence of humour after reading it now. “Hw did I evr cum to tis?”
By: Cormac O’Malley
