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New Year resolutions
Let's face it; New Years' Resolutions are a crock.
Let's face it: New Years' Resolutions are a crock. They are the sole preserve of the optimistic fool and the last resort of a scoundrel. They are made by the type of person who’ll “never drink again” after a particularly bad night, only to head out, Lazarus-like the next night. They are like the student who swears “Next semester I’ll study more” and yet is still scrambling to cram everything in before their impending exam in five hours. No wait, four hours…
As a general rule, New Years' Resolutions aren’t worth the air they’re boasted into. Saying it out loud is the very thing that will kill your resolution stone dead, as, once you tell people, you have to stand by your promise and inevitably the whole thing goes to blazes soon after.
In other words, if you’re actually dead set on changing your lifestyle or becoming more proactive (whatever that means), for the love of God, don’t tell anybody. You can also consider the following suggestions as New Years’ Resolutions that will not only keep you sane over the year but be the source of a good bit of fun…
- Stuff a whole packet of chewing gum into your mouth at one time; it’ll give your mouth muscles a good workout.
- Buy a segway, a peak cap, a driving scarf and gloves, and shout disparaging slogans at pedestrians for their slow walking pace.
- Go to the gym every day, but instead of working out, shout disparaging slogans at people in the gym. Things like “Feel the burn”, “Master your ass” and “You call that a push up” are all perfectly acceptable.
- When in a crowded but quiet place like a computer suite or a library, deliberately play one of your ring tones, pretend to answer your phone and say “Yes, Mr. President, I’ll be there right away!” Then rush out the door in dramatic fashion.
- If you absolutely feel the need to exercise, buy a treadmill and one of those blue screen thingies that can bring up any kind of background or scenery. Why go outside when you can pretend you’re running on a tropical island?!
- Since you’re going to end up doing it anyway, take a day and decide to do absolutely nothing. Sit on the couch, watch Dr. Phil and eat cereal all day; whatever. You don’t even have to brush your teeth if you don’t want to.
- Anytime you’re part of a large audience that’s making considerable noise, shout “Fuckin’ hell!” as the noise is subsiding. Someone’s bound to do it, why not let it be you?
- Buy an embarrassingly large box of condoms, whilst winking suggestively Eric Idle-stylee at the sales assistant. Pay for said condoms in coins no higher in denomination than 50 cents.
- Pretend to be a TV license inspector and visit houses in your area threatening to fine anyone who answers the door. If they realise you’re messing, run like hell.
- Hit a large man in the back. When he turns round to see whose ass he’s going to kick, point to the man beside you, shout “It was him!” and run like hell.
By: Paddy Duffy
