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Survivors and sex
True life: I survived sexual abuse, you can too.
I first contacted Rape Crisis just after my 17th birthday. I was abused by my brother Liam, who is 10 years older than me. The abuse was going on for around four years and came out when I finally told a teacher. I was 11 when it started, scared and a mess.
When I first came for counselling, I had dropped out of school, was drinking loads and popping pills like mints. I tried to kill the pain, tried again and again…and again. Being in my own skin made me sick. I felt ashamed, dirty and worthless, although I later accepted that I was not in any way to blame. The problem with killing the pain was that I also killed any other feelings. I was numb. At 18, I just let go. I started sleeping with different lads all the time, usually strangers I met in pubs. I knew about safe sex practises, but I couldn’t be bothered. I just didn’t care.
Sometimes in counselling, I’d mention these careless hook ups. I guess deep down I felt so worthless and dirty. A slag, a cheap trick. I never enjoyed the sex. The odd time I’d get off, but emotionally that made me feel even worse. It reminded me of the abuse where my body had also responded to the sexual stimulation, although God knows I didn’t want that to happen.
Even though I knew all this, I found it impossible to change this cycle for another good while. The drink and drugs kept me as a prisoner or maybe a zombie. I had a few black outs, couldn’t remember a thing from the night before. I would wake up next to lads I had no memory of meeting.
At this point, my counsellor said I was putting my life in danger. She made it clear to me that I needed to get help, and fast. I went to a treatment centre for one month, and I’ve gone to AA meetings ever since. The meetings drive me a bit mad sometimes, but I need the routine to make sure I don’t go back to drinking.
When I stopped drinking, I also stopped sleeping around. I was now 19. I could see that I’d been abusing myself by putting myself in those situations. Although I still couldn’t feel it, I knew in my head that I deserved better.
At 20 I had my first proper boyfriend, I guess you could say. The guy told me that he was madly in love with me, and I felt I sorta had to get involved with him. I liked him, but I wasn’t in love with him. The relationship continued for six months. The sex was mostly around his wants, and I would go along with it. I liked the company more than the sexual side of the relationship, to be honest. Talking about it in counselling, I realised that I became passive during sex. I never said what I wanted, I felt ashamed of it.
This led onto memory work around the abuse. I started feeling very angry with my family who didn’t protect me, and later with Liam who had done this to me. Feeling angry helped me to see the shame differently. It was his shame, not mine.
My counsellor suggested exercises to make friends with my body more, and to explore what I liked. This involved masturbation. I discovered I could enjoy sex by myself. This was a very important step. Now it wasn’t all perfect, I still kept hitting on shame, but gradually, over time it became less of an issue for me.
I’m 23 now. I just started college as a mature student, and after four years of being single, I’ve started a relationship. I’ve known Shane for some time through friends. We started meeting for coffee and discovered we had loads in common. Shane told me about some of his problems with his family, and after that I felt it was okay to talk about my family where relationships are very strained as a result of the abuse. He seemed to understand and like me even more, not less, for telling him. After meeting up like this a few times, both of us started having feelings for each other, and the relationship became sexual.
However, it’s so important for me now to take my time and not rush into anything. I know that sex can still bring up difficult feelings for me sometimes. I really need to listen to myself and what I need and want.
I’ve decided I don’t want to go all the way with Shane yet. As it turns out, he has issues with sex too, and taking it slowly suits him as well. There are so many other sexual things we can do to enjoy ourselves, so it’s really fine. The important thing is that we enjoy what they do together, and that we can talk about sex, about what feels nice, about what we are curious about.
I’ve reclaimed my sex life. It’s been really hard, really feckin hard at times. But I’ve done it. You can too.
By: Anonymous
