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Sexuality and feeling down
Explaining your sexuality to the world can get you down.
See the sexuality section for lots of supportive information.
One of the things that surprised me most is how depressing being gay can be. It really hits you like a brick wall when you see all the happy couples on the dance floor of a nightclub, some playing tonsil-tennis, others just dancing in each other’s arms.
Then you find yourself standing there with your friends, friends who you love dearly, but just don’t fill that feeling of emptiness inside you. There seems to be a little space inside you that can only be filled by having one person close to you.
You feel like a little boat struggling against gale force winds on the open seas. It seems like an impossible that you could ever be happy. You stand at the door of the nightclub watching all the couples walking out hand in hand and you look at your hands and the empty space left and right of you. The space where you’d like someone to be, yet there’s no one there.
Often you’re left asking why. Why am I gay? Why don’t I have someone to love? Why do I feel like sh*t? Unfortunately, like “Why does the Universe exist?" or “Is God real?” these questions don’t come with easy answers. I don’t even know if they have answers.
Not having answers to these questions, combined with having to justify and explain your sexuality to the world is fairly depressing stuff. I know there have been times when I’ve felt like total crap, all because of who I am. Thankfully, I’ve never contemplated suicide, let alone attempted it. But I know of plenty of people who have.
In today’s world, it’s sad and upsetting that so many people feel alone and upset just for being them. They didn’t choose their life and they may not even be happy with it, but it’s just who they are.
It’s unfair that the ignorance and intolerance of people leads to the suffering of others, and I wonder if it’s ever going to change? Or will young gay people around Ireland always be left feeling sad, alone and even suicidal?
By: Stephen McFadden
There IS support available:
Contact BeLonG To PHONE: 01-873 4184
Supporting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) young people.
If you need to talk to someone right now then contact Samaritans (1850 609090) for confidential support 24 hours a day- no matter what age you are or where you are.
This article is part of the SpunOut.ie true life stories section – a space for young people to share their experiences of tough times and encourage others to seek help. This story is just one person's experience and it may be different for you. Remember that no matter what you are going through, there is help and support available. See the Find help section for more information: http://www.spunout.ie/help/
