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From nightmare to survival
True life... A dream of fear.
Last night I had a dream. It was a dream that sent shivers through my body. I dreamed that I was a thirteen year old boy again facing the same situation I faced just eleven years ago. This was a very realistic dream and every part of it felt alive. In my teens I had to battle with my sexuality and in doing so became depressed. I fought with suicidal thoughts and on three occasions I tried to take my own life. So this dream was something that made me curl up with fear.
In my dream, I was sitting at the table and my father had just put dinner in front of me. I sat there with my head slumped, playing with my food. I felt angry and messed up and didn’t know what to do. I then picked up the plate and flung it across the room trying to catch their attention. My Dad asked me if everything was all right, to which I just started to break down crying. He put his arms around me and told me he would make it better. I proceeded to wake up.
As I woke up, I felt very uncomfortable and slightly worried. First, I told myself that it was just a dream and to think nothing of it, but I couldn’t. The feelings felt very realistic. I could feel the depression again. I felt the sorrow that I haven’t felt for nearly eight years. I started to worry that it was all going to come back and I was going through it again.
As the day went on, I started to make some sense of it all. I took a moment to reflect and to make sure that it was just a dream and not some inner feeling trying to get out. I quickly made the decision that those feeling do not exist. I see myself as a happy person and those feelings are in the past and that’s where they are staying.
Looking back on the dream, it was not a dream about me being depressed again, it was a dream that was one of survival. In this dream I did one thing that I did not ever do. Flinging the dinner plate across the room was my attempt to look for help, something I never did when I was really going through all those feelings. In the dream, I did the right thing and in doing so my Dad came to my rescue.
In reality, I did the wrong thing and suffered for years because I just wouldn’t speak up. I am a much stronger person now and I know that if they were ever to creep back in that I could now make the steps to eradicate them to get back on track.
At first this dream was a nightmare that brought me back to those times again and let me feel all those feelings, which I never wanted to feel again. Now I see it as a dream about survival and I see just how lucky I was to have come through it without talking about my problems. If I could ever go back in time it would be to take that thirteen year old boy aside and tell him to fling that plate as hard as he could so that it would get better from there on in. I just wish I had the courage to do that eleven years ago.
See the help section for supportive information on find help and talking about how you feel.
By: Ian Howley
This article is part of the SpunOut.ie true life stories section – a space for young people to share their experiences of tough times and encourage others to seek help. This story is just one person's experience and it may be different for you. Remember that no matter what you are going through, there is help and support available. See the Find help section for more information: http://www.spunout.ie/help/
