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My American Dad
It took over 20 years before I had the courage to face him.
When Daniel Beaten said his piece in Def Jam Poetry, everyone was quiet. Everyone held their breath. Everyone didn't want to miss out on his next word, because his every word spoke to their heart. Mine listened to every one of them. His ‘Knock Knock’ knocked on our minds, because his message was universal. We may want to be able to do just fine on our own, but we all need teachings and guidance from someone elder and wiser. That post is usually filled out by our parents.
Dave Beaten had his mother, I had mine. He didn't have a father, neither did I. My parents parted when I was a baby and I grew up without knowing who my father was, except that he was in America. It took over 20 years before I had the courage to actually face him. It was during my trip to North America and it was the most significant event that happened. It was no dinosaur bone-digging in Bamf in Canada, but I was digging into my emotional and mental fossil that has been buried deep inside me for years.
My mum told me stories of how my father was a dreamer and would spend hours sketching airplanes, and I got that from him. I didn't have any memories of him and I wanted to change that.
I had developed personal issues from feeling unwanted all my life and I knew after many troublesome years, that seeing him was something I had to do, no matter how terrifying it was.
I was waiting at the airport for them to call out my flight number. In the plane, everyone was feeling excited to see their families, friends or just California, but I was going to see my father - for the first time in my life. My stomach was in knots and it was a moment of surrealism. I was thinking here is a moment that I thought would never come, and it was just two hours away.
As I arrived at the airport, everything was a blur - the other passengers, the stewardesses, the duty-free stops. Multiple thoughts were racing through my mind. I thought I was strong enough to do this, but it was different when I actually was walking to the Arrivals exit. My knees were weak and my heart was pounding louder and louder. I was thinking “This is it. No going back”, even though a part of me wanted to stop and freeze time. I was scared that he would not show up or would dismiss me again. Then I thought back to my breakdowns and the heavy thoughts that haunted my mind every day, so I exhaled and continued walking towards the exit. My mind was dazed but not so confused anymore. There was no longer just a continent between my dad and me, but a glass door. So I opened it.
I came down the escalator and screened every man that was waiting downstairs. My eyes went directly to a man that had my nose and my lips and even my crooked legs. There was no doubt in my mind. This man was my father. He recognised the facial similarities as well, because he instantly went towards me. My heart pounded faster and I felt choked up. “What do I say? Do I hug him, do I shake his hand, do I bow?”, was what went through my mind. It was unnecessary because he threw open his arms and gave me a big hug. I was numb. I didn't feel any emotions, as if it was my body's way of preventing me from breaking down in tears in the middle of the airport. It was all a daze and it took a week of spending time with him, that it sunk in that I know my father now and he knows me and he is proud of me.
I still have a long way before I can be okay with the fact that he was not part of the most important events of my life, but at least he is here for the important times I will have in the future. I am proud of myself to overcome the fear that I had for most of my life and to go to America to see my father that I never met before. It is a milestone of my life and I am happy with the fact that I am closer to having closure to a subject that has been so painful and damaging. It is true what they say, you cannot move on with your future if you haven't dealt with your past. In my case, the past has now become my present and my future, because I did the one thing that I was too petrified to do all my life.
By: Anonymous
