Finding a happy body image
True life: body image and eating disorders.
I picked up an issue of Cosmopolitan. Flipped through the first pages and my eyes came upon a woman looking so damn gorgeous and content- like she had no worries in the whole wide world. Why should she? She had luscious shiny hair, a flawless complexion and a killer body. I felt an itch of jealousy. That was when I realised for the first time that I cared about the way I looked.
My grandmother came to visit the following summer. After we hugged she took one look at me and exclaimed, “ You’ve gained weight!” I put on a brave face and laughed but on the inside, my self-esteem sunk to minus 10. From then on whenever I looked in the mirror, I felt like a failure. A fat failure.
My dislike for food gradually increased, whilst I was getting smaller - both on the outside and inside. I stopped socialising because I feared that I might eat something fattening. I shut myself out of the world, so I would be alone, miserable and not eating. I wanted to be good enough for my grandmother and everybody else.
The funny thing is I never took notice of my dramatic weight loss. My friends and family commented, “You’ve lost weight!” and my initial thought was, “Yes! Now I can eat cookies again” but my fear of losing control eventually suppressed my cravings. Even a tiny square of chocolate was enough for me to panic. I visualised it as having horns and 5oz weight gain as its side effect. For every bite I took, my mind went, “I’ll get fat”.
It got to the point that I would eat an apple for lunch and my periods stopped. It was not until I was put in front of a doctor in a hospital, that I realised that for every bite I didn’t take, I took a step closer to death.
This is a first-hand experience of an eating disorder caused by an unhappy body image. I never thought I would be one of the statistics that I had read about in a magazine a year before.
When I went to fashion design school, I was skinny compared to my classmates, but normal according to fashion magazines and the size 0 models that came for fittings.
It was good that I was at fashion school at this stage and not when I was heavier, otherwise my depression would have just rocketed. I can understand why an average woman feels ugly and fat when looking at the goddess-like models on billboards and magazines.
The thing is, it isn’t real.
Illusion and fantasy are part of the fashion world. Most people have body issues. In a world, where models yo-yo between being too thin or too overweight as fast as the trends they depict, it is not up to the fashion business to determine how a woman should look.
I have gained back weight, and I have tons more confidence than when I was skinny three years ago. Still, I feel that itch whenever I look at rock hard abs, but stopping me from going back to my illness is what I now know that I didn’t back then. That being thin does not solve everything.
Anonymous
Bodywhys is an organisation that provides information, support and advice to those with eating disorders and their families.
Contact Bodywhys on:
Helpline: 1890 200 444
Admin Tel: 01 2834963
Email support: alex@bodywhys.ie
This article is part of the SpunOut.ie true life stories section – a space for young people to share their experiences of tough times and encourage others to seek help. This story is just one person's experience and it may be different for you. Remember that no matter what you are going through, there is help and support available. See the Find help section for more information: http://www.spunout.ie/help/
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