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Telling your partner you have a STI
Opinion: How to handle this tough talk.
“So, yeah, I went shopping, met Sinead for coffee, found out I have Chlamydia … umm, yeah so what are you up to later?”
OR
“Yeah, I love Muse. I’m a huge Man Utd fan. I have crabs.”
Telling your partner you have an STI is not the easiest subject to slip into conversation. Words like gonorrhea, herpes and syphilis tend to stick out in a casual conversation. You may be wondering:
- Do I have to tell?
- How do I bring it up?
- What if the reaction is a flip out?
- Have I killed our sex life?
Do I have to tell?
In short, yes! The consequences of not telling are dangerous. You are consciously infecting your partner or increasing the risk of doing so if you keep quiet and proceed with sexual intimacy. There is still a risk even if you’re very careful with contraception. Beyond the physical health risks, not telling is a huge violation of the trust and respect in your relationship. Your partner deserves to know.
How do I bring it up?
It’s unlikely that you’ll ever find the ‘perfect’ moment to have the STI chat. However, you can be fairly sure that it’s not over birthday cake at his little sister’s birthday! Find somewhere private and away from distractions.
Prepare yourself by accepting that you’re likely to feel nervous, uncomfortable, and perhaps ashamed, guilty or any other mix of distressing feelings. It may help to tell someone else, like a close friend who you can trust, before breaking the STI news to your partner.
The words need to be communicated somehow. While most people prefer to have the ‘big chat’ face to face, if texting or a phone call is the only way you can imagine yourself breaking the news, this is better than keeping your lips permanently sealed. Keep in mind that you need to consider the other person’s reaction. Imagine how you would feel if you got an out of the blue text or call suggesting that a strange bacteria or virus was lurking inside your system. Freaked out, devastated, enraged- are some words that spring to mind!
Possible conversation starters could be:
- “Listen. We need to talk.”
- “I have some important news we need to talk about.”
- “There’s something I feel that you need to know.”
- Or, you could just blurt it right out with a wink and a smile, “So, turns out I have HPV! But, don’t worry loadsa people have it, like!”
The bottom line is that the STI talk is not going to be easy, even with the most understanding of partners. Taking a practical approach to the conversation can be helpful. Do your research so that you can speak intelligently about how to treat or manage the STI, rather than just dropping fear and uncertainty into your partner’s lap. Lord knows you’ve probably dropped enough there already!
Find out the facts from your GP, local GUM clinic or reputable internet source like SpunOut.ie, thinkcontraception.ie or IFPA. Solid information is likely to take some of the sting out of your news, but don’t expect that to placate your partner. Encourage them to ask questions and allow them to vent.
