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So you've cheated
All about the player and the game.
So you’ve cheated on your partner. Maybe you had a one night stand, maybe a full blown affair or maybe just one kiss. Whatever happened, you may now be dealing with the fallout. Should you tell your partner? Should you keep it to yourself? Is the relationship doomed? All sorts of questions will be swirling around your head.
Maybe your partner has already found out and you are in crisis mode. Maybe you couldn’t take it anymore and told her. Worst case scenario, she found out from someone else or by catching you out.
Why do people cheat?
- Alcohol – Yes, we all know it is the same ol’, same ol’ excuse, but some people really do cheat on their partner and act out of character when they are off their head with drink. It’s no excuse sure, but it is an explanation.
- Problems with the relationship – The person may be unhappy with different aspects of their relationship, but not want to break up. Or some issues may not be fixable, so the person avoids the issues by cheating.
- Being forced to spend a lot of time with someone we are attracted to – This can happen at work or college. Eventually, the temptation may just be too much and the person may cheat.
- Some people just don’t do well with serious relationships. They would rather play the field. The issue with this is that it only works if they are honest about it beforehand.
- No respect – Some people may not really care much for themselves, and so don’t know how to value others and show them the respect they deserve.
Feelings
- Anger - You may be annoyed at yourself for making a mistake.
- Guilt - You may feel badly for hurting your partner.
- Confusion - If it was more than a one off incident, you may feel like you are in love with two people.
- Anxiety – You may be up the walls wondering if you can fix the relationship or whether you should get together with the person you cheated with.
- Fear – You may be terrified about what the future holds, either with or without your partner and/or fling.
Should you tell?
- If you don’t tell her, there is a real danger that the person you cheated with may tell her instead.
- Can you live with the guilt and stress of keeping it a secret 24/7?
- Someone else might decide to tell her. If you tell her the relationship may be repairable, but if someone else tells her, this may be impossible, as she will feel doubly betrayed.
- It was a mistake and you want to let her know that, rather than run the risk of her finding out and thinking it was planned and that you cheated on purpose.
- If you want to fix the relationship, you need to do so in a climate of honesty and trust. If you hide this from her, there is no trust.
How to cope with the situation:
- It’s good to talk. Talk to your partner about the relationship and the issues which led you to cheat. If you have not told your partner, talk to a few select people that you can trust. Be careful who you share with though; the ultimate disaster would be for your other half to hear it from someone else.
- Ponder. Think about the relationship or seek professional therapy. You probably need to figure out why you cheated for a start. Maybe you find commitment difficult; maybe you are unhappy with the relationship or maybe you just drink too much. Finding such things out will help make things clearer for you.
- Be as honest as possible. Your partner will probably have a million questions for you and it is important that you answer them, no matter how irritated or guilty it may make you feel.
- Be ready to cope with heartbreak. Sometimes, people just can’t forgive cheating and move beyond it. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it just means they can’t trust you and the relationship may have to end. Check out: www.spunout.ie/health/Relationships/Sex-%2526-relationships/Break-up-survival for some ideas to get you through this hard time.
Further info:
I’ve been cheated on, what no?
