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My partner has a kid
Kid in tow doesn't mean you need to go!
The world we live in is no longer populated by stable 2.5 children families and parents who live happily ever after. Nowadays, families come in all shapes and sizes – everything from single parents, to couples who live together, to couples who live apart. Basically, anything goes! So, you may find yourself in a situation where the person you are with has kids. This may be new for you and you may feel kinda overwhelmed by the whole thing. Like with everything in life though, there are ways to handle it.
Things to bear in mind before entering into a relationship with someone who has kids:
- Children are a permanent fixture in your partner’s life. Yes, they may technically leave home at 18, but they will still always be his/her kids. Forever.
- The kids will come first almost always.
- The kids will demand a lot of your partner's time, energy and care. If he/she was single, a lot of this time and attention would instead go to you.
- You will be constricted in what you can do. When someone has children, they can’t just jet off for a surprise holiday to Ibiza on a moment’s notice or spend the day lolling around in bed.
- Jealousy may become an issue for you. You may end up resentful towards the children because they get so much of your partner’s attention.
- Your partner’s passion may be his children. You may have to listen to him talk endlessly about them; their lives, their issues and their problems. If you do not genuinely like kids (or his kids specifically), this may frustrate you.
- Look out for the ex-effect. Your partner will most likely be in constant contact with his ex over contact arrangements, the kids' schooling and general welfare. You may feel jealous of this.
Possible Obstacles:
- The kids become jealous of you and act out because of it.
- You feel jealous of the attention the kids get and feel neglected by your partner.
- Your partner’s kids may deliberately ignore you and disrespect you.
- You may feel that your partner always takes his kids side, no matter what the kids do or how nasty they are to you.
Top Tips:
- Easy does ‘er! Wait until the relationship is well established before you meet the kids. There is no point in meeting the kids on the first date, as you and your partner won’t have had a chance to get to know one another and see whether the relationship has any future or not.
- Get building. On the other hand, be aware that you need to build a relationship with the kids if you plan on staying with their parent.
- Keep it cool (not annoyingly so though!). When you do meet the kids for the first time, try and do so in a neutral setting such as a park or a restaurant. If you meet them in their home, they may feel like you are trying to invade their ‘turf’.
- Give it time. It takes time to build a relationship with anyone; kids included.
- Ask your partner for input. He/she may want you to be very involved in his kid’s lives and be happy for you to spend lots of time with them. On the other hand, he may not want you to get too close, too soon.
- Chat it out. If you run into problems, sit down and have a good long talk with the kids. Ask them why they don’t like you or how you have upset them. Tell them you are not trying to replace their other parent. Ask them what they want from you.
- Try not to take it personally. Very often it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the childrens relationship with their biological parents.
A relationship with someone who is a parent can be tricky and bring some challenges, but it can also be very rewarding. Only you can decide if it’s for you.
Further Information:
www.stepandblended.org/
www.mrcs.ie/site/
