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How to (mis)behave in relationships
Is your relationship healthy?
What is a healthy relationship?
Every relationship is unique. So, comparing one relationship to another can be like comparing two snowflakes. The Eskimos don’t have like a million words for snowflake for nothing y’know... That being said, there are some things that every healthy relationship has and has not.
- Firstly, in healthy relationships, people truly feel they can be themselves. They do not feel like they have to put on an act. This is very important, as what is the point of being in a relationship where you can’t relax for fear of the other person finding out who you really are?
- Healthy relationships tend to involve good communication. It is important to feel you can tell your partner anything. It is also important to be able to share your hopes and dreams for the future, as well as less deep stuff about your daily life, fave sports team etc. In short, you need to be willing audiences for one another. Even if it bores the teeth out of you, sometimes it is good to let your other half ramble on about rugby, the latest and greatest art exhibit, the best place to buy shoes etc. Communication is also important when you start to fight or have issues, as if you can’t talk about it, how will you get it fixed?
- Some say that people in healthy relationships need to have one or two common interests. Others say it doesn’t matter as long as you are willing to be flexible enough to take an interest in the other person’s stuff. This is very much an individual preference; only you know if you need your partner to be as into antique collecting as your good self!
- People in happy relationships judge the relationship for themselves and not on what other people think. This is not to create some sort of Romeo and Juliet us against the world thing (we all know how that ended), but the most important thing is how you feel in the relationship, not what others think. If you are happy, secure and cherished, does it matter what others think?
- People in happy relationships tend to actually like/enjoy spending time with one another. Once the initial lust stage has died down, the relationship won’t go very far if he/she bores the pants out of you, or you find her small minded and conservative. You need to actually feel happy with your partner, laugh and enjoy the world together. Otherwise, it just won’t last.
What is an abusive relationship?
Abusive relationships are very common and occur across all age groups and all parts of society, from the poor to the very rich. Also, emotional and mental abuse occurs more often than physical violence. Abuse is about dominance and control. An abuser uses threats, anger, intimidation, yelling, screaming and manipulation to get you down and keep you under his/her control. Both women and men can be victims of abuse, and NOBODY deserves to be victimised like this.
How do you know you are a victim?
If you are a victim of abuse, you may feel afraid around your partner. You may feel that you cannot relax and must be watchful and walk on eggshells around them. The relationship seems to revolve around not upsetting them, not making them angry or disrupting their life and less about what YOU need/want or deserve.
Abusers may: constantly criticise their partner, embarrass them in front of their family and friends, blame their partner for anything/everything that goes wrong, be jealous and possessive of their partner and control access to money, phones and even contact with family and friends.
According to Melinda Smith and James Sega, abusers tend to keep their victims under control by using a variety of tactics such as:
- Isolation – Most abusers try to isolate their partner from family and friends. Sometimes they even try to stop their partners from working or having a phone
- Humiliation - Abusers put down their victims so as to control them and keep them in line
- Dominating their partner – Abusers tend to make all the decisions, instead of making them jointly the way a healthy couple does
- Threats – They try you keep their partner scared and submissive
- Using denial and blame – Abusers deny they have any issues and claim that all problems are caused by the victim not being good enough/smart enough/nice enough etc. etc
Do all relationships get abusive sometimes?
Most relationships have periods where there is some form of abuse. The difference is that the abuse occurs in a one off fight or series of arguments and the abusive party is willing to apologise, take the blame and not exhibit the behaviour on a regular basis. They also understand that their behaviour is not appropriate and are more than willing to take the blame for it.
If you think you are in an abusive relationship, there is help out there. Contact Safe Ireland or AMEN for confidential support and information.
Further Information:
Relationships
Domestic Violence
Emotional abuse
Escaping abuse
Recognise abuse
Safe Ireland
AMEN
Marriage and Relationship Counselling Ireland