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Commitment phobes
Understanding & dealing with the getting close freak out.
All relationships are unique and move forward at their own time and pace. Sometimes though, one partner wants to move faster than the other. You may be happy and content with where you are, but your partner wants more commitment from you.
Or, maybe you always have issues with commitment and find this unnerving.
Why you may have issues with commitment:
- It may be too soon! There is a big difference between someone wanting to move in with you after two years of a committed relationship and them wanting to 'shack up' after two months!
- You may fear losing your space. If you are a person who likes your alone time, the thought of a big commitment to another person may freak you out.
- You may have been badly hurt before (either in another relationship or as a child) so are not keen to get heavily involved with someone else, since you associate commitment with pain.
- There might be too much pressure. Maybe you would be willing to commit, but your partner is making you back off, because he/she is asking for so much commitment all at once and is not giving you enough time and space.
- Religion/beliefs could be tripping you up. Some people’s faith requires that they not live together before marriage. It may also prevent them from making other commitments outside the context of marriage.
- You’re perfectly normal! If you were able to jump into a big commitment without any thought it might mean you actually don’t care that much. Worrying at least shows that you care and take the idea of commitment seriously.
How to handle it:
- Talk it out. Instead of constantly going back and forth and arguing about your inability to commit; sit down and have a proper talk where you each get the chance to speak without being interrupted. Often times, a quiet but public place is the best area to chat about things. You could go for a long walk or sit in a quiet pub and hash it all out.
- Think of a compromise. Maybe you don’t want to see your partner every day or live together, but maybe you could see each other three times a week rather than twice.
- Bring in the professionals. If you are not sure what you want, seek out some counselling. You could also attend couple’s counselling – together is best, but it is possible to attend couples counselling on an individual basis.
- Listen to your heart. It truly knows what you want and need and has the ability to get beyond what your mind is trying to frighten you with.
Further Information:
www.mrcs.ie/site
www.spunout.ie/health/Relationships
