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Separation
Worried about your parents separating or have they already separated?
No matter what age you are; if your parents decide to separate it's a very difficult time for everyone in the family. You probably know that if they stayed together; you and they, would still be unhappy. However, during the separation you can feel like you are completely on your own. It can be hard to talk to anybody about it as you might feel you're being disloyal.
Some things to remember are:
- There is life after separation! Most young people stay in a relationship with both parents.
- You are not the cause of their separation.
- It is normal and okay to feel angry (why me?), sorry for yourself, pissed off, sad, lonely, afraid, insecure and any other feeling.
- It's good to talk! Try to tell your parents how you feel (particularly if it seems they are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't see your feelings) and if you have nobody to talk with then contact Samaritans for support.
Changes after separation:
There are many reasons why your parents might decide to separate. They include reasons such as no longer loving each other, constantly arguing, falling in love with someone else, no longer being able to live happily together, alcoholism, violence or abuse. People change and sometimes this means that a partner realises they are living with a different person to the one they married or had children with.
If your parents are separating, you can expect to feel a variety of emotions. Depending on the situation you might feel closer to one parent and blame the other for what’s happening. You might feel abandoned, guilty, angry or upset. You might feel relieved and thankful that family problems are being dealt with or you might argue with your brothers and sisters if they feel differently about the separation.
While your parents are wrapped up in the separation, you might feel that your own needs are ignored or forgotten. Talk to a friend, an adult you trust or a doctor or counselling service about these feelings.
Possible changes include:
- One parent moving out of the family home or you moving away with one parent.
- Spending time with both parents separately (and seeing one more than the other) and feeling caught in the middle between them. Try not to let your parents use you as a go-between or to get information about the other. It’s their problem, not yours.
- Sometimes, a parent might leave and not stay in contact with the family or you might choose not to stay in contact with one parent.
- Anger and hostility between your parents.
- There can be financial problems and your parents might have to work more or to find a new job if they previously worked in the home.
- Coming to terms with one or both of your parents having a new partner or dating.
How separation affects you:
- Many young people complain that they can't get the family situation out of their heads. This makes it difficult for them to concentrate or enjoy their usual pastimes.
- You should talk to someone about how you feel. The Teen Between service is free and means you get professional advice on sorting out your worries. Contact your local Youth Information Centre for more information on Teen Between.
- You might feel under a lot of stress and very anxious.
- You might have to take on more responsibility in the family.
- Stress and worry about the separation can affect you at school, university or work. Try to stay calm and not let things upset you too much.
- You will be spending time with each parent separately or you might not be in contact with one parent.
- You might feel guilty or to blame for what’s happening. Remember that it’s between your parents and never your fault.
- You can feel caught in the middle, especially if your parents use you to find out what’s happening in the other’s life. Make it clear that you don’t want to be used as a spy or go-between. Your parents might not even realise the stress they are putting you through.
