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Date rape
If someone makes you have sex when you don't want to it is RAPE.
Article by : SpunOut.ie
1 in 5 girls and 1 in 6 boys experience sexual abuse before age 17. Many don’t tell anyone about it.
If you're forced into any sort of unwanted sexual contact this is sexual abuse. Even though it involves sex or the build up to sex, abuse has nothing to do with love. It’s about aggression and power, the power of one person over another. You can be sexually abused at any age and it doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman. Usually the person who abuses is someone you know.
Date rape is a common form of sexual abuse. This is when you’ve pulled someone or are going out with someone and they make you go further than you want sexually. If someone makes you have sex when you don’t want to it is RAPE.
What is date rape?
- If you're saying no, acting no with your body or thinking no then nobody should force you to have sex.
- They should stop once you show that you don't want to go further.
- It doesn't matter if you had sex with them before.
- It doesn't matter if you are naked or doing everything apart from sex. If you don't want to go further nobody should try to force you.
- It's still rape even if they try to tell you later “I couldn't stop”, “I thought you wanted to” or “I didn't mean to hurt you”. It's not your fault and they shouldn't try to put the blame on you or say you asked for it.
- If you didn't have sex but the other person forced you to go further than you wanted, this is sexual abuse. If you were touched or made do something sexual that you didn't want, you'll probably feel confused, upset and invaded.
Staying safe
- Decide how far you want to go with someone you’ve pulled or are going out with. Think about what feels right for you and how much is too much. Then talk to them and make it clear what you want. This can be embarrassing but helps prevent problems later.
- Listening is just as important. Find out what the other person expects from you.
- Trust your instincts. If you’re with someone who is pushy or doesn’t listen to you then don’t accept it. Tell them you don’t like the way they treat you. If someone doesn’t respect you get rid of them.
- If you’ve pulled and you don’t feel very comfortable with them or they’ve got annoying roaming hands then don’t go anywhere alone with them.
- Remember that alcohol and drugs lower your inhibitions and make it easier to do something that you regret later.
- Don’t leave room for mistakes. Tell them “I only want a snog”, “I don’t do one night stands” “I’m not ready for sex” or “Stop grabbing my ass!” If they ignore you they are not respecting you and it’s better to leave.
- Someone might try to make you feel guilty for not going further using phrases like “If you loved me you would” or “I thought you cared for me enough to do this”. This is emotional blackmail and very immature. Stop dating this person and instead find someone who respects you instead of someone who is just looking for a shag.
- Remember that you never owe someone sexual favours such as blowjobs, "going down on them" or going further than you want. Don’t let anyone force you into doing something you’ll regret later.
- If things are getting heavy and you feel uncomfortable or scared with someone then make an excuse to get away from them. Say “I need to go to the bathroom” or “I’m going to get a drink” and leave. Don’t worry about trying to explain why you don’t want to be alone with them.
- If you are alone with them or excuses don’t work then be assertive. Tell them firmly and clearly that you don’t want to go further and repeat it until they get the message. Move your body away from them.
- If they still aren’t listening then get loud. Shout at them to stop, scream and use your body to make the NO message clear. Push them away, kick, bite and do everything you can to make them stop. Don’t worry about hurting them.
- Don’t blame yourself if you’re not able to stop the attack or rape. If you’re attacked you might be too shocked to do anything. Many women are quiet or don’t fight back in an attack because they’re too frightened.
- Remember that if you aren’t able to prevent an attack or rape, it’s NEVER your fault.
If you have been sexually abused or raped:
- Tell someone you trust, even if you were abused in the past but never spoke about it.
- If you’ve been assaulted or raped (or think you might have been) then report it to the police immediately. Don’t worry if you were drunk or taking drugs, the assault is much more serious.
- You have the right to ask for a male or female Garda, police officer or doctor.
- When you’re reporting the attack you can ask for as many breaks as you want and leave the station any time you want.
- Reporting a crime means you’ll be asked a lot of detailed questions and should carefully read through your statement when it’s finished to make sure there are no mistakes.
- There are rape crisis centres where you can speak to someone confidentially if you’ve been raped or abused. The centres give support to victims of rape, sexual abuse or child sexual abuse. They can go with you to the Gardai or police, listen to you or help in any way possible.
- Remember that it’s never your fault even if you feel guilty.
- If you think you’ve been drug raped ask for a medical examination or urine sample to be taken so they can check for traces of the drug.
How you react to sexual abuse or rape is different for everyone and it can take a long time for you to deal with what happened.
- You might feel disbelief, numb, frightened, powerless, ashamed, disgusted with yourself or humiliated.
- You might feel guilty and responsible for what happened or blame yourself for letting it happen.
- You might want to be alone and feel unable to tell anyone that you were sexually abused.
- You might have nightmares or flashbacks about what happened and find it difficult to get involved with anyone else.
- You might become self destructive or out of control: drinking too much or taking drugs
Contact details for rape crisis centres in Ireland
See the help section for contacts details of support organisations.
