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Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a helpful way to communicate what you think, feel and want.
This doesn't necessarily mean you will get more of what you want. It does mean you will feel good about the relationships you have, will have more control of your life and will feel more relaxed, content and confident about yourself.
What is assertiveness?
- Assertiveness is a kind of confidence. It is a way of behaving that helps people clearly communicate their needs, wants and feelings without hurting anyone else.
- It is about being honest without being rude or hurtful.
- It is about asking for what you really want.
- It allows others to feel safe and get what they want too.
- It is about being respectful of yourself and of others.
- It does not intentionally hurt people.
Assertiveness could be seen as the balance between two other kinds of behaviour, passive and aggressive.
When you act passively you might:
- Put yourself down - "I never know what to do".
- Put other peoples' needs first - "You need it more than me".
- Say "It doesn't really matter" when it does!
- Not say what you really want - "I don't know", "I don't care" (while thinking "I do")
- Let others choose for you - "No, no, you decide".
Passive behaviour can lead you to feel hurt, upset, nervous or angry. Your needs are not met and you can feel out of control, dependent and helpless.
When you act aggressively you might:
- Meet your own needs at the expense of others.
- Tell people (sometimes everyone) what you feel and hurt others in the process.
- Make choices for other people.
- Hurt other people to get what you want.
Aggressive behaviour can hurt people and does not respect the rights of others. If you try and control others you may lose them.
How to be assertive:
Assertiveness takes time, patience and guts. It doesn't "just happen".
You need to:
- Value yourself and others around you.
- Think about what you want, and think about whether it is fair and respectful.
- Discuss your needs and feelings clearly, openly and honestly.
- Stay calm, cool and collected while talking about these feelings.
- Be open to new ways of thinking about yourself, others and situations.
- Give compliments to people and take them when you get them back.
- Be open to fair criticism and not be afraid to make fair criticism yourself.
- Acknowledge yours and others rights.
- Negotiate and make compromises.
- Problem-solve and collaborate with others to do this.
- The key to assertiveness is clear, open and honest discussion that does not blame, ridicule or put other people down.
Why bother?
Assertiveness helps people to leave situations with a good feeling about themselves. It means you have compromised or negotiated an outcome. It is not always exactly what you want. Some people find this frustrating because they hope assertiveness will help them get more of what they want.
Assertiveness is more a way of living that is respectful of yourself and your own rights and respectful of others and their rights. People who use assertiveness regularly report these advantages:
- They feel more confident, relaxed and happy to be themselves.
- They are more aware of who they are (including their strengths and weakness).
- They spend less time comparing themselves with others.
- They make more realistic decisions and choices for themselves.
- They choose more successful relationships, by accepting that not everyone in the world will or can be caring towards them!
- They feel they can regain control in their life and live it to the fullest!
Good communication
- Listen well - that means really listen to what someone has to say, not just wait for a pause to say your stuff.
- Be aware of body language.
- Speak clearly and easily - say what you really mean, think or feel.
- Start and keep conversations going.
- Be able to stay calm and relaxed.
The bright side
Assertiveness is not just a way of dealing or coping with negative things in life. It is also not something people are "just born with" or are "lucky to have". To choose to make assertiveness a big part of life is to:
- Know you are worth the effort of assertiveness.
- Take positive and constructive steps forward in your life.
- Start and nurture a lifestyle that you really want.
- Start and look after positive relationships you want for yourself.
- Seek out what you really want - not just wait for luck or chance.
- Give and take compliments - both for others and yourself.
Content thanks to YouthHealthNE authors.
