Whats wrong with Ireland?

Girls, and the insanity thereof ... I am generally a very happy person. I always try to maintain a positive outlook on life and never let stuff get me down.

But having said that, there are certain things that happen in life that make even the most optimistic and happy person want to go on a killing spree. Well, maybe not a killing spree, but it makes you bloody angry anyway. And one of the things that make me scream as if I my hair was being pulled out from its' roots is when a beautiful, bright intelligent girl decides to go out with an extra from "Planet of the Apes".

It's more prevalent than you might think as well. As strange as it may sound, I know more girls than enough who chose to have their self-esteem broken into teeny-weeny pieces by unimaginative, arrogant, horrifically dopey lumps of testosterone with as much intelligence as a retarded goldfish.

The question is: Why? Do girls have some sort of mental aversion to chivalry, kindness and intelligence? Is it beyond them to choose somebody with a bit of class? As far as my experience goes, it bloody well looks like it.

My first experience of such a God-awful phenomenon was when I was in fourth year in secondary school, and I fell in love with a girl as majestic and beautiful as I'm ever likely to see. She was stylish, graceful, consistently in a good mood, had streaming black hair, gorgeous sapphire blue eyes and possessed a smile that would light up the most dismal and humdrum of days, and they were common for me in secondary school. In short, this girl could have turned Graham Norton. She genuinely could have had any bloke she wanted, and most blokes genuinely wanted her.

As it turned out, geeky, booksmart, shy Patrick was rightly down the list, but dumbass, excessively pierced, tracksuit wearing idiot-man shouldn't have been anywhere near the top. As it turned out, he was and despite the fact he's still wondering how to turn on the television, he's still going out with her.

As bad a cross as that was to bear, I eventually got over her and moved on, but this pattern of "Smart girl, stupid choices" pattern still existed. Chances are if there was a girl I liked, she had a boyfriend who was bitten by a radioactive twat when he was younger. And just as there have been many girls whom I have liked, there have also been as many twats whom I've hated.

Even very recently, still not deterred for the years of hopeless disappointment I've endured, I met a girl that I got on really well with. She was beautiful, smart and had a kooky sense of humour similar to my own. I hadn't feelings like that for a girl since fourth-year-fantasy girl, and I was all set to ask her out and everything, when she casually mentioned in mid conversation about her boyfriend. At that point, my heart sank to somewhere round my testicular region. "Crap," I thought, "Ah well, can't win them all." I wouldn't have even minded that much if her boyfriend was a nice guy, but he wasn't. He was a show off, ignorant, over-cocky, boorish oul' gobshite, who treated this fair maiden with as much respect and adoration as a dog with a rubber toy. And it pissed me off something terrible.

What the hell is wrong with these girls? There are plenty of good guys out there, and yet they always seem to go for the jackasses. Is there no room for the intelligent, gentlemanly, caring, sensitive, respectful, funny and generally sound fellas in this type of girls life? Do they really think they can change them or something, do a changing rooms style makeover and everything will end up happily ever after? Because it bloody well won't!

There used to be an advertisement that went "Girls, if you meet a nice, funny, sensitive guy, he's probably already got a boyfriend." First of all, that's rubbish; there are plenty of straight fellas who are alright guys. They're just pissed off because the girls they like are going out with muppets. Maybe it should read:

"Guys, if you meet a beautiful girl with a great personality, she's probably already got a dickhead of a boyfriend."

For the love of God girls, wake up and smell the coffee/other hot beverage, you deserve much, much, much better! There are plenty of sound guys out there, for the love of God look for them! You don't have to spend all your lives with unappreciative losers!

By Patrick Duffy

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