The state of the parties...

A quick reminder of the type of people you can expect to come a knockin' at your door.

Again if this your first time to vote, you might not have any real idea what, if anything, any of the main political parties stand for. Similarly, you may already have a considerable grip on what the parties are about, and have an equal amount of disdain for them all because of it. So here’s a quick reminder of the type of people you can expect to come a knockin’ at your door in the next while, and then ask if your Mammy or Daddy is in…

Fianna Fáil: The party of smooth operators, “cute hoors” and political escapologists. All things to all men, especially if you’re a Swiss bank manager or property developer. Probably served as consultants for the making of Oceans Eleven, and then couldn’t understand why people gave out that they didn’t report the fee they earned in their tax returns.

Fine Gael: Fianna Fáil’s more socially awkward cousin. A bit like the kid in your school who would get fantastic marks in exams but who fell over, banged their head off lockers and tied their shoelaces way too much to ever be taken seriously.

Labour: The oldest party in Ireland, and yet the most likely to screw up royally. Notorious for the kind of splits, factions and incessant bickering you can only truly find with a left-wing party. The Fr. Ted Crilly of Irish politics: they consider themselves the voice of unwavering reason, but they usually end up looking the biggest eejit of the lot.

Sinn Féin: Not since the days of Parnell have the fortunes of a political party been determined by a solitary bearded man. A small party, they’ll jump on any issue they think will get them votes, making them very much the Irish political Man from Del Monte. Often possess a skewed sense of history to suit their own needs in the same way American evangelicals use the Bible to bash homos and liberals. Use the word “mondate” a lot. They also possess a disciplined and military-like grassroots base of supporters. What?! I said military-like!

Progressive Democrats: Proof if ever it was needed not to judge a book by its cover. They have a deep and abiding love for privatisation of various public services, which means one of two things: Either they’re staunch believers in free trade policies, or they’re just too lazy to run them themselves. The Milwall FC of Irish politics: everybody hates them, they don’t care.

The Green Party: The environmentally conscious party, but don’t necessarily think that they’re one trick ponies. They have very interesting ideas in such fields as…um, y’know…that thing that…isn’t about the environment?

Independents: A common phenomenon in Irish politics. In theory they’re supposed to be a check on government to make sure they don’t go mental with power, but in reality are normally either party politicians who fell out with/weren’t selected to run by their party and decided to stick it to them, single-issue candidates who are destined to serve one term and complete mentalists who are only elected because of their bizarre local popularity, or because it’s better having them in Dublin than their own constituency. Only a handful of sane Independents have ever actually existed.

By: Paddy Duffy

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