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A bittersweet gift
Blog: Ernst and Young's recent fundraiser for SpunOut.ie and Aware was a powerful and emotional event.
Ernst & Young held a fundraising event for SpunOut.ie and Aware in December. They raised €3790 thanks to the huge efforts of all their staff. In this blog, Ernst and Young employee, Gormla Hughes talks about the event.
Thursday 18 December 2008. I was privileged to be a part of that day. When I left the Ernst & Young building, tears fell down my face, from a sense of being totally overwhelmed and of extreme sadness.
Overwhelmed because of the extraordinariness of the human spirit and sadness because of why it had all come about. A member of our team took their own life in November 2008. We were shocked, numbed and filled with questions: “Why? Why didn’t she say something? Why didn’t we notice something? Did we say something? Why didn’t she ask for help? Didn’t she know that...?”
The Ernst & Young partners created strength and a space for us to mourn, to talk, to help, to be useful in some way, just to be. Counselling, a book of condolences, and a room for prayer and silence was made available. That space allowed us to absorb what had happened, to think about her, to think about ourselves. To face the empty space of her absence. But the gift she left us is beyond measure.
As the weeks went by, there was a feeling of not wanting to forget, not wanting to let go. Collectively, we wanted to do something to make a difference, for her and for someone else. We decided to fundraise for Aware and SpunOut.ie with a cake sale.
We also wanted to remember our team member and to say goodbye, so we decided to have a balloon ceremony. We would release 200 white helium balloons in her memory. It was organised with military precision, but what was to happen on the day could not have been planned.
Almost everyone baked (or bought!) their own cake for the event. We kicked into action: selling raffle tickets and balloons, talking. Talking about death, talking about suicide, talking about change, talking about making a difference.
The entire Ernst & Young team were building the most magnificent bridge of openness between colleagues. People milled around, buying cakes, laughing and remembering. Some members of her family were present. Money was given by all, with nearly €4,000 raised to be shared between Aware and SpunOut.ie.
Everyone came outside for the balloon ceremony. The gentleness, reverence and kindness of those gathered was incredibly special. Paul Smith, our Managing Partner, read a beautiful poem in memory of someone we hoped was looking down and smiling. As we released the balloons, the power of the human spirit was indescribable.
Questions remain: “Why? Why didn’t she ask for help?” Perhaps asking that question is like asking: “Why not jump across the Grand Canyon?” Each thought becomes a piranha that multiplies and eats into your very soul. Each simple task becomes a mental marathon. The exhaustion becomes another tormentor. You view it as a weakness. You view yourself as not ‘normal’. So, you begin to hide it. Hiding it adds to the exhaustion, hiding it becomes your belonging. The piranhas’ become your companion.
So, how do you jump across the Grand Canyon? You build a bridge. People around you will help build that bridge. When you begin to talk, the piranhas disintegrate and slowly, very slowly, life’s possibilities emerge like a blanket of beautiful roses. Yes, the thorns will hurt, but they are just a reminder that you are very much alive and of how strong you are.
Everyone has a talent, everyone has a belonging, and everyone has a light to shine. Virginia Woolf, Sting, Beethoven, Abraham Lincoln, Jim Carrey, Elton John, Harrison Ford, Leo Tolstoy, Hemingway, Goethe – they have all known the abyss – and the world is a richer and better place because of their light... and you wouldn’t call any of them weak. Would you?
I was overwhelmed on Thursday 18 December, because I knew that there was at least one other person in the crowd who thought that maybe they didn’t want to continue – and I feel sure that the bridge built from everyone’s spirit and strength that day carried them towards thinking about giving it another chance. A bridge that is indestructible. A bridge of integrity and kindness. The gift is bitter-sweet, but we have embraced it.
“Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feathered canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way”
Joni Mitchell
By: Gormla Hughes
With thanks from SpunOut.ie and Aware to the entire team of Ernst & Young, Dublin.
If you or someone you know is at risk of suicide or self harm, you should immediately contact your local doctor or go to the A&E department of the nearest hospital. The doctors and hospitals in your area will be listed in the Golden Pages: www.goldenpages.ie.
Find supportive information and contact details of support organisations: www.spunout.ie/help
